waves

At night I make myself sick remembering that I opened my mouth and words came out – words that you heard that make my head hurt more than my knuckles vibrating against my temples in a morbid crescendo.
That’s all I want: the silence of
bodies that can’t stop shaking my cells, light with the agony of living this again and again and again I am begging you that I don’t want this –

“It’s just that people make me so nervous, you know?”

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

I mean they just start picking and breaking on their own accord. And I know.
I have ripped apart napkins placed in my lap into delicate strips because feeling someone else’s eyes on my very being makes me want to tear through my own skin and get right to the bone and find what you’re so desperately looking for when you see me because there is nothing here to

STARE AT my broken reflection on the sea glass vases littering your office.

Tell me I’m cured of thinking too much of every night tears turning into these self-proclaimed oceans I’m unable to truly see and every day filled with people that hold out, stretch their upward palms to this torn-up shell of a girl

and, like you said, I write my best at night –

because the gears in my head shift into unspeakable patterns of erratic movement that never cease to drive me wild and everyone mad but these days the pace of metal has become much more

slow.

The rust is flaking off the grimy aluminum and I swear you can feel it dying.

Maybe these unspoken words are the last chance for my existence to justify why I keep blinking at that Parisian pale rose picture frame that yes is still empty and why I notice the subtle rise and fall of my chest every goddamn second even if my lips are only slightly agape

I no longer speak

unless I deem it necessary.           Nothing is necessary

these days.

“At night, you know, it all comes back to me.”
The phrasing was it comes in waves but you didn’t realize all things engulf at the break of dawn when green glass stares into something so unfathomable and
           makes it so  hard for me to speak again in the morning.