stream of consciousness

I told you that I’d write a novel and so I will – a never-ending systematic movement monumental key strokes of lots of unintended memories like they were crying for help. Impertinent lilac sighs and hoping to be lucky enough to be lied to in gold veins and oak tree rings. Maybe too late to die trying holding out notebook paper and it’s funny how now flashcards don’t hold the Spanish translation folded in a rectangle of a word no one wants to the grey gray greyest of powders that you Don’t Breathe It Out drip drop like rain on these weak eyelashes think about it. Fo r ev Er unfathomable amounts of miniscule milliseconds summoning seconds all queries lead to yo quiero Tired it’s so tiring I am tired of this unrace ending never let it end it is a sleepy sort of feeling. It lies, it lies, lies in your, heart, too to you.  Again it strings it along like the capillaries you sleep through in Honors Anatomy as in I know how many microfibrils that are in my twitching eyes leaking sort of gross tracings that seem to line my tongue like acid Dissolves it has all dissolved like some things that cannot be repeated like Have Some Compassion with a mica encrusted left aorta trailing down your stomach like sugary watermelon and it seems harder and harder everyday to not cope with my Days Since applying it to my every thought every few days and now it’s been ten now it’s been yesterday. Daily it continues and I think too much trust I’m aware this isn’t so poetic anymore. Scaredy cat I’ve never broken a bone but I can smell everything that’s not a flower seemingly much easier to drink it until it’s water than to remember in the next few weeks i will continue to live out the checklist presented the day I lived past a few Mays it increasingly sets off more alarms in my little chest and everything seems so small. It is all so small like my stubby fingernails and weekendadaily sins that don’t exist if I didn’t tell you about them like Bruised shins and I ate that whole chocolate heart sleeping on an eighth with music that only is you. Every song is every me I don’t want you to remember washed up tie dye and glass that can turn from blue blew blue to gold glitter shadow on my eyes and in the bottom of bags dragged around bowing my head and my hair steeples into those beautiful glass windows that are so dusty it’s like I had never seen so much smoke in my life and wheeeeezzzzzing (you good?) it isn’t so hard anymore to think in shades of black black like her lungs or his eyelashes or those little bits of uncomfortable licorice in grimy hands and it’s a lot like liquor. Quicker the death than overdosing and shot it up like It’s Finally Here! Again I’m missing you like you’d finish this fucked up sort of apology as if it is good enough to be seen by anyone but the squad with it empty fingers popping my skull frontal lobe and growing smaller. Smaller. Smaller. My patience for white woven light blue it lines up like the growing click clack of plastic baggies and baby Help me out here with this never ever have I it is.so sad isn’t it. Pining pinned against the wall like my wrists against carpet over my head and it doesn’t leave my head til morning sometimes I wake up still feelin it I felt it don’t drug test me .today as it is I have it all going up I can’t come down anymore it’s a constant stream it don’t end I push it im there now it’s there I have my fingertips bleeding down my calves and I will cradle increments of lovely motivation and I can’t adore it anymore than you say you do me do me do re mi I used to watch old movies with nananana and it was sad and sweet and I missed it while it was happening miss all those days that I we me need back but even then I knew what destroyed all those happYs it wasn’t Happy. You shouldn’t tell her why Christmas was ruined and picture frames don’t fall off the w alls. I want to do this for the rest of my life to function anymore I couldnt live through a haze tinged with you and the three Bs buzzin all over me and just come back to me. I don’t want to only call you when I think you’ll finally respond the way I want you too done speaking unfathomable levels to these little thoughts that I can’t fucking stop at nights like these and I’m sorry, walling again I’ll always be sorry for assumptions and conversations that last too long taking the turn for every worsing worst tell me its gonna be okay again like he knew how to say it in a way where I wasn’t stupid for crying into his t shirt wrapping around like midnight knots but I was stupid for taking my clothes off. Admitting you don’t earn love you just see it in the way their forks are in the drawer next to the sink under the drying rack with the grocery list from two years ago today and How! did you know where my fucking mixer was? Never knew a girl so beautiful had I told him maybe it wasn’t working so well cuz he was in love with someone else and it wasn’t a laugh no silence had ever hurt I don’t want to be stupid anymore. so I will wait for me for so much that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wait for tulips again in Crayola shades of happy and maybe that’s a sort of stability in instability I’m okay with craving. Over it over you over me I won’t ever let you leave my head or my inbox and I’m sick and I’m sorry again I did it. It’s all over.