an open letter to you

when i started crying today i started breathing out of my mouth. i was scooping fucking ice-cream out of a tub in my grandmother's kitchen because that's where i live now. my clothes are in her closets and my socks are in her drawers. open-mouth breathing and crying is what i used to do in the beginning when we would fall asleep together because i knew you didn't really want me, and that i was there by accident. it felt like a long accident and i think that's why i loved it so much. i didn't feel anything at all and at least if it hurt i was feeling something, but that's cruel to me and i think you know i liked it like that.

i'm crying now while i write this, and i just wanted you to know i am sorry.

everything hurts all the time.

it's not easy

and i know you understand that it's not

but you don't understand this kind of "not

easy."

i did things i hate myself for before

together

and after you.

i think i hated myself most when i was with you and you were with her.

but i think i hate myself more when i black out and forget things so i don't drink anymore and i do what i'm supposed to every morning and every night and try so hard to make it through the day but i'm so sorry i can't do it anymore. it hurts me so bad to write this and not talk to you but i'm so sorry i have to let go.

i was gonna call good bye but i think you wouldn't want me to

you reached out to me when you shouldn't have. i knew it was going to happen and i knew you'd do it and i fucking caved because i'm a lowlife with no morals and you went and did what the fuck you wanted while i was hurting. i hurt so bad. i was with other people and it only made me feel more used, more gross. i don't know why you did this to me, i don't know why you continue to lie to me. i don't know what i did to deserve this kind of shit but i can barely manage to get out of bed in the morning and instead i'm here laying in yours, begging for you to look at me. why don't you look at me? what did i do? you can't hide what you did and I know evatylyu what happened and my fingers are moving too fast and i can't even see the screen and i know my brain is going to explode because i got punched in the heart by god. i got punched in the heart by god and i know im too much all the time but i can't believe you fucking manipulated me like it's nobody's business and it hurts so bad to know you .... why would do that. why is it so easy for you to forget me and use me when my whole world was you?